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And it was strange going back to the place that I almost died / and I wished that you were here with me, I know I’ve said several times / I just don’t know how to explain how I feel to you / but the lights over Adelaide look beautiful and it made me think of you / Now I don’t want to fuck you in the dark anymore / I just want to hang out in my parents’ house until four in the morning / No I don’t want to fuck you I just miss you and I love you and I know that it’s been said before / but if you ever need a place to stay after work just end up at my door / and IF I’M SMILING when I kiss you I’m sorry if I pull away / I just get so damn excited thinking you might be here to stay / He pointed it out to me once and now I’m too nervous to smile / but you make me less self-conscious yeah, you make me feel worthwhile / And it was strange telling you about the space that I was in / and I don’t think you knew what to say so you didn’t say anything / I just want to go to shows with you and feel your arm around my waist / because I’ve loved you since I’ve met you and I still can’t say it to your face / Now I’m counting down the days until I see you next / hoping that you stay at my place so we can watch High School Musical 2 in bed / and when you kiss me in front of your friends it makes me feel less small / so if you ever need a place to stay after shows well you know who to call / and IF I’M SMILING when I kiss you I’m sorry if my explanation don’t make sense / I just get so damn excited when you kiss me in front of your friends / She pointed it out to me once and now I’m too nervous to smile / but you make me less self-conscious yeah, you make me feel worthwhile / so I’ll go ahead and smile.
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2. |
Emotionally Untidy
03:54
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My heart doesn’t beat so well anymore / The doctors say it’s electrolytes or not sleeping until four / and all my friends say it could be the energy drinks too / but that gripping in my chest just feels like you / My heart doesn’t beat so well these days / and I know I should quit my vices but I’m just stuck in my ways / I don’t have the willpower to ask you stay / but my cardiac arrhythmia might help you syncopate / That leaves me lying on this bed where your touch lit up my skin / with another person’s head on the pillow beside me / and that guy who wrote that song about me has started drunk texting / It’s not that messy, just EMOTIONALLY UNTIDY / Well my head runs around in circles these days / because it’s not sex, it has always been the love that I crave / I’m still trying to find the words to pin down people to a page / as though articulation might make them stay / but I’ve never been a writer, or at least not very well / They always told me I should show when all I want to do is tell / the story that’s the same every time: you tell me yours, I’ll tell you mine / I think you’re just my type / Well you leant me those books that say more about you than I could ever know / I went to read the second one and thought you’d left me a note / but it was just the form your ex-girlfriend signed when she moved out / alone.
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3. |
Constellation
05:53
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Remember the night that I said / it was so nice to picture a future in my head / and you asked if I was crying / and I asked if you were crying / Now I’m not afraid to be myself anymore / but I still get so anxious when I go places I’ve been before / Will they remember who I am? / Will you remember who I am? / You are the one I love / Remember the night we went and got ice creams / and you were so quiet because your friend might be dying / well I just felt so helpless / but I feel that way pretty often, I guess / But I’ll make you tea if it’s what you need / we can watch TV if it’s what you need / and I’ll write you songs like these if it’s what you need from me / And I find it so appropriate you’re named for a CONSTELLATION / because at night when it gets dark, oh you are my direction / and there are patterns in the sky that I don’t understand / but you’ll explain them to me when you take my hand / You are the one I’m always dreaming of / You are the one that I loved.
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I had a dream last night that we were at a pool party / I dreamed you kissed me and I dreamed she filmed it for blackmail or mockery / So I think I’m getting sick again, because I can’t get to sleep / I just spend three hours sweating and grinding my teeth / and it’s the same when I’m awake; I feel lightheaded and my jaw aches / And it took me a while but I finally realise / your heroes are just humans in disguise / And I like to think you’ve changed in two years / because you make me so damn happy when your songs bring me to tears / I had a dream last night that I proposed to you and you said no / but it was fine because the ring didn’t fit and I still got to kiss you on the train home / Everybody seems to love you all and I just want to feel / the way it did when I was small and you kissed me like I was something real / and it’s the same as on that night, I just want to hold your hand, would that be alright? / I had a dream last night that none of us were ever scared again / but in the daylight I guess we’ll just keep on being Terrified Of Everything / WRITING SONGS & FEELING FEELINGS standing hand in hand / and I’ve never felt so happy than in the front row for your band / we’re all just anxious kids who don’t understand.
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5. |
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I fell in love with a TV Show / I fell in love again, oh no / I fell in love with you in your comfortable bed / I wanted both of us to die with your head between my legs / We were going to go and see our friend’s band play / but I got too anxious and I made us both run late / I do this all the time, but I just want to be with you tonight / because you make me feel so okay / Everybody knows it / Yeah, everyone can see / I wear my heart on my sleeve / I got NO CHILL, just look at me / I’ll tell you just how I feel / Text until you answer me / And you can call my hysterical, you can call me thirsty / I’ve heard it all before and your words don’t hurt me now / I wear my heart on my sleeve / I’ve got NO CHILL, no / I sat in the bathroom stall at the Curtin Hotel / staring at the writing on the toilet cubicle / they say those Goon Girls don’t cry / Maybe there’s something in my eye / This is a break up letter but I guess we were never together / I spent a long time wishing you were mine / but why even bother? You don’t give a fuck so why should I? / Take the same walk, different head / Now I’m finally free / I’m still nothing more, I’m still nothing less / here’s my secret – I’m a big mess / I feel the stain from the top / and there’s no reason I got / to keep my calm and turn my cheek and leave these people to rot / they could be easy to argue with / or they’re easy to not / yeah, you keep hating my movement, that’s what this media wants / I march these feet that I walk on all day to reach for the top / Rap on this beat that I’m pumping all day to speak from the heart / Open the eyes of the blind, help you to see through the dark / But fuck with me and I think I’ll try to break into your car / I’ll take that shit for a spin and leave it illegally parked / in the park so people see marks I did when I keyed up your car / Dammit I’m pissed off / Broken apart like a jigsaw / Y’all never seen me this stuffed and I’d watch out if I were you / you might get washed / You better keep away right now / So Real / Don’t want me to pop my top / No seal / I’m here to do what I want / Trying to make my bread wholemeal / Don’t test my patience, I’ll go crazy / Yo, I got NO CHILL.
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6. |
Misery Kink
04:40
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This room is full of people that I’ve kissed / and a few who I still want to, but it’s only you I miss / because you don’t look at me like there’s nothing left to see / and you seem happy when you wake up next to me / So when you told me that you don’t believe in love / I guess I thought I’d never get to tell you “you make me feel like enough”/ so what I said instead was “I love everyone” / What I failed to mention was it’s you the most because the words hid under my tongue / And I’m choking on them to this day / but you know and I know that I’m just a slut for pain / and I dwell on what you said / but you know and I know that I’m just a slut for pain / I still get so terrified / but I still search for her name because it makes me feel alive / Sometimes I get paralysed / but you’re always there for me, except for when you don’t reply / And there’s no one else to blame but me / You know I knew what I was in for, I swear, I just thought you were pretty / Now I’m thinking about moving constantly / I’m a shark who can’t stop swimming and I’m gripped by anxiety / that I mostly keep at bay / but sometimes I let go; I’m a slut for pain / I’m still hiding from the shame / under the weight of words that I’m too afraid to say / Maybe one day I won’t be so scared to see her face / Maybe one day I’ll believe that it’s okay to take up space / Maybe one day we won’t wait / But if I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been, why am I still hanging on to this state? / So maybe he was right all along / that we should all just stop fucking each other and stop writing about it in songs / but if I left this place behind / I’d just start again in a different city with my past not far behind / because my history won’t go away / but that’s fine because I’ll always be a slut for pain / Just promise me you’ll stay / Even the words I’m searching for are too far away.
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7. |
Stronger Lines
03:01
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I drew a straight line from my front door to yours / You know I’d walk there if I could / and my legs are strong enough; they don’t fall asleep anymore / but the lines are longer than I’ve ever drawn / Each day she gets up, balances her body on her spine / We all feel empty but all carry on, it seems / Hold your head up, tell yourself “recovery is not a straight line” / and if you like I’ll always send you wholesome memes / From the frontline to your front door / It’s not a straight line but I’ve never been more sure / I am stronger now than I’ve ever been before / I am stronger, bolder are the lines I draw / He left a straight line of cryptic crossword clues / in messages I tried to solve; I’ve got the reds, he’s got the blues / Ain’t it funny how the decline shows how much you’ve got to lose / I drew a straight line through the answers that I wasn’t sure I knew / She keeps a strong line of people by her side / the fact I’m chosen to be one of them fills me with pride / We’re standing tall and holding hands across the state lines / and we grow stronger every time we get it right / I’m still planning out my suicide / to help me get to sleep at night / but I am stronger than I was before no I’m not losing sleep anymore / I’m not losing sleep over straight lines anymore.
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Rachel Maria Cox Newcastle, Australia
Emo-Pop from Newcastle NSW.
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