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Untidy Lines

by Rachel Maria Cox

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    12" Vinyl Printed on recycled cardboard. Includes Digital Download, Poster/Liner Notes and Sticker.

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about

This LP Would not have been possible without the support of the following Pozible Supporters, who pledged large amounts of their hard earned money for me to make this thing:
• Skinny Hernandez
• Mum & Dad
• Pam
• Jo Neugebauer
• David Beckett
• Geoff Dyer
• Phillip Ciclovan
• Jack Easton
• Alysha Hardy
• Wood/Sharkey Folk
• Dom Fraser
• Louise Burgess
• Uncle Ken
• Bryce & Kate Fraser
• Rhiannon Fennell
• Chandler & Morris Kyu
• Jenna Schofield
• Michael Labone

And the following Pozible supporters, who gave me slightly less money but are no less valuable and wonderful:
• • Joseph Earp
• Raichel Spencer
• Celeste Hollingsworth
• Eliza Berlage
• Maddy Macquine-Abbott
• Molly
• James Douglas
• Brianna Mahoney
• Lance “I didn’t actually help out” Reynolds
• Ben Leece
• Anthony ‘Fever’ McGee
• Kira Leikova
• Aaron Pierpoint
• Emma Tweedie
• Ellie Robinson
• The Huxley’s
• Kieran Sheather
• Zoe Lane
• Brayden Condie
• Rohanna Teiwisen
• Boots Byers
• Dan Korner
• Ben Mursa
• @xavierrn BABYYY
• Matt Foulkes
• Chris Jaeger
• Damian Marshall
• Daniel A Smith
• Courtney Fry
• Matilda Highfield
• Johnny Barrington

RMC would like to thank:
My Mum and Dad, Aiden and Claire; Wil, Edgy, Gummo, Jack, Joe, Michael, Cath, Maddy, Rhyan, Gibbo and Bucko at Woodriver, and everyone else involved in making this record; My amazing friends and family, especially those who supported the pozible campaign; my students and co-workers at NMA; Emily, Mowgli and Sam; everyone involved in Sad Grrrls Club; whoever runs the Wholesome Meme Facebook Page; Triple J unearthed, community radio and independent music blogs everywhere; and you – whoever you are.

credits

released August 1, 2017

All lyrics and music written by Rachel Maria Cox
Except No Chill lyrics written by Rachel Maria Cox, Madeleine Mallis and Rhyan Clapham

Vocals, keys, hand claps and clicks – Rachel Maria Cox
Drums – James ‘Edgy’ Edge
Bass – William Houlcroft
Lead Guitar – Joshua ‘Gummo’ Gibson
Rhythm Guitar – Jack Lundie
Saxophone and Vocals on No Chill – Madeleine Mallis
Vocals on No Chill – Rhyan Clapham
Additional Hand Claps and Clicks – Joe Andersons

Recorded and Mixed by Joe Andersons at Woodriver Studios
Recording assistant – Sam

Mastered by Michael Sale

Artwork by Cath Connell
Additional Design by Rachel Maria Cox

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Rachel Maria Cox Newcastle, Australia

Western Sydney via Newcastle sadcore.

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Track Name: If I'm Smiling (It's Because I'm Thinking About Zac Efron)
And it was strange going back to the place that I almost died / and I wished that you were here with me, I know I’ve said several times / I just don’t know how to explain how I feel to you / but the lights over Adelaide look beautiful and it made me think of you / Now I don’t want to fuck you in the dark anymore / I just want to hang out in my parents’ house until four in the morning / No I don’t want to fuck you I just miss you and I love you and I know that it’s been said before / but if you ever need a place to stay after work just end up at my door / and IF I’M SMILING when I kiss you I’m sorry if I pull away / I just get so damn excited thinking you might be here to stay / He pointed it out to me once and now I’m too nervous to smile / but you make me less self-conscious yeah, you make me feel worthwhile / And it was strange telling you about the space that I was in / and I don’t think you knew what to say so you didn’t say anything / I just want to go to shows with you and feel your arm around my waist / because I’ve loved you since I’ve met you and I still can’t say it to your face / Now I’m counting down the days until I see you next / hoping that you stay at my place so we can watch High School Musical 2 in bed / and when you kiss me in front of your friends it makes me feel less small / so if you ever need a place to stay after shows well you know who to call / and IF I’M SMILING when I kiss you I’m sorry if my explanation don’t make sense / I just get so damn excited when you kiss me in front of your friends / She pointed it out to me once and now I’m too nervous to smile / but you make me less self-conscious yeah, you make me feel worthwhile / so I’ll go ahead and smile.
Track Name: Emotionally Untidy
My heart doesn’t beat so well anymore / The doctors say it’s electrolytes or not sleeping until four / and all my friends say it could be the energy drinks too / but that gripping in my chest just feels like you / My heart doesn’t beat so well these days / and I know I should quit my vices but I’m just stuck in my ways / I don’t have the willpower to ask you stay / but my cardiac arrhythmia might help you syncopate / That leaves me lying on this bed where your touch lit up my skin / with another person’s head on the pillow beside me / and that guy who wrote that song about me has started drunk texting / It’s not that messy, just EMOTIONALLY UNTIDY / Well my head runs around in circles these days / because it’s not sex, it has always been the love that I crave / I’m still trying to find the words to pin down people to a page / as though articulation might make them stay / but I’ve never been a writer, or at least not very well / They always told me I should show when all I want to do is tell / the story that’s the same every time: you tell me yours, I’ll tell you mine / I think you’re just my type / Well you leant me those books that say more about you than I could ever know / I went to read the second one and thought you’d left me a note / but it was just the form your ex-girlfriend signed when she moved out / alone.
Track Name: Constellation
Remember the night that I said / it was so nice to picture a future in my head / and you asked if I was crying / and I asked if you were crying / Now I’m not afraid to be myself anymore / but I still get so anxious when I go places I’ve been before / Will they remember who I am? / Will you remember who I am? / You are the one I love / Remember the night we went and got ice creams / and you were so quiet because your friend might be dying / well I just felt so helpless / but I feel that way pretty often, I guess / But I’ll make you tea if it’s what you need / we can watch TV if it’s what you need / and I’ll write you songs like these if it’s what you need from me / And I find it so appropriate you’re named for a CONSTELLATION / because at night when it gets dark, oh you are my direction / and there are patterns in the sky that I don’t understand / but you’ll explain them to me when you take my hand / You are the one I’m always dreaming of / You are the one that I loved.
Track Name: Writing Songs & Feeling Feelings
I had a dream last night that we were at a pool party / I dreamed you kissed me and I dreamed she filmed it for blackmail or mockery / So I think I’m getting sick again, because I can’t get to sleep / I just spend three hours sweating and grinding my teeth / and it’s the same when I’m awake; I feel lightheaded and my jaw aches / And it took me a while but I finally realise / your heroes are just humans in disguise / And I like to think you’ve changed in two years / because you make me so damn happy when your songs bring me to tears / I had a dream last night that I proposed to you and you said no / but it was fine because the ring didn’t fit and I still got to kiss you on the train home / Everybody seems to love you all and I just want to feel / the way it did when I was small and you kissed me like I was something real / and it’s the same as on that night, I just want to hold your hand, would that be alright? / I had a dream last night that none of us were ever scared again / but in the daylight I guess we’ll just keep on being Terrified Of Everything / WRITING SONGS & FEELING FEELINGS standing hand in hand / and I’ve never felt so happy than in the front row for your band / we’re all just anxious kids who don’t understand.
Track Name: No Chill (feat. Jackie Brown Jr.)
I fell in love with a TV Show / I fell in love again, oh no / I fell in love with you in your comfortable bed / I wanted both of us to die with your head between my legs / We were going to go and see our friend’s band play / but I got too anxious and I made us both run late / I do this all the time, but I just want to be with you tonight / because you make me feel so okay / Everybody knows it / Yeah, everyone can see / I wear my heart on my sleeve / I got NO CHILL, just look at me / I’ll tell you just how I feel / Text until you answer me / And you can call my hysterical, you can call me thirsty / I’ve heard it all before and your words don’t hurt me now / I wear my heart on my sleeve / I’ve got NO CHILL, no / I sat in the bathroom stall at the Curtin Hotel / staring at the writing on the toilet cubicle / they say those Goon Girls don’t cry / Maybe there’s something in my eye / This is a break up letter but I guess we were never together / I spent a long time wishing you were mine / but why even bother? You don’t give a fuck so why should I? / Take the same walk, different head / Now I’m finally free / I’m still nothing more, I’m still nothing less / here’s my secret – I’m a big mess / I feel the stain from the top / and there’s no reason I got / to keep my calm and turn my cheek and leave these people to rot / they could be easy to argue with / or they’re easy to not / yeah, you keep hating my movement, that’s what this media wants / I march these feet that I walk on all day to reach for the top / Rap on this beat that I’m pumping all day to speak from the heart / Open the eyes of the blind, help you to see through the dark / But fuck with me and I think I’ll try to break into your car / I’ll take that shit for a spin and leave it illegally parked / in the park so people see marks I did when I keyed up your car / Dammit I’m pissed off / Broken apart like a jigsaw / Y’all never seen me this stuffed and I’d watch out if I were you / you might get washed / You better keep away right now / So Real / Don’t want me to pop my top / No seal / I’m here to do what I want / Trying to make my bread wholemeal / Don’t test my patience, I’ll go crazy / Yo, I got NO CHILL.
Track Name: Misery Kink
This room is full of people that I’ve kissed / and a few who I still want to, but it’s only you I miss / because you don’t look at me like there’s nothing left to see / and you seem happy when you wake up next to me / So when you told me that you don’t believe in love / I guess I thought I’d never get to tell you “you make me feel like enough”/ so what I said instead was “I love everyone” / What I failed to mention was it’s you the most because the words hid under my tongue / And I’m choking on them to this day / but you know and I know that I’m just a slut for pain / and I dwell on what you said / but you know and I know that I’m just a slut for pain / I still get so terrified / but I still search for her name because it makes me feel alive / Sometimes I get paralysed / but you’re always there for me, except for when you don’t reply / And there’s no one else to blame but me / You know I knew what I was in for, I swear, I just thought you were pretty / Now I’m thinking about moving constantly / I’m a shark who can’t stop swimming and I’m gripped by anxiety / that I mostly keep at bay / but sometimes I let go; I’m a slut for pain / I’m still hiding from the shame / under the weight of words that I’m too afraid to say / Maybe one day I won’t be so scared to see her face / Maybe one day I’ll believe that it’s okay to take up space / Maybe one day we won’t wait / But if I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been, why am I still hanging on to this state? / So maybe he was right all along / that we should all just stop fucking each other and stop writing about it in songs / but if I left this place behind / I’d just start again in a different city with my past not far behind / because my history won’t go away / but that’s fine because I’ll always be a slut for pain / Just promise me you’ll stay / Even the words I’m searching for are too far away.
Track Name: Stronger Lines
I drew a straight line from my front door to yours / You know I’d walk there if I could / and my legs are strong enough; they don’t fall asleep anymore / but the lines are longer than I’ve ever drawn / Each day she gets up, balances her body on her spine / We all feel empty but all carry on, it seems / Hold your head up, tell yourself “recovery is not a straight line” / and if you like I’ll always send you wholesome memes / From the frontline to your front door / It’s not a straight line but I’ve never been more sure / I am stronger now than I’ve ever been before / I am stronger, bolder are the lines I draw / He left a straight line of cryptic crossword clues / in messages I tried to solve; I’ve got the reds, he’s got the blues / Ain’t it funny how the decline shows how much you’ve got to lose / I drew a straight line through the answers that I wasn’t sure I knew / She keeps a strong line of people by her side / the fact I’m chosen to be one of them fills me with pride / We’re standing tall and holding hands across the state lines / and we grow stronger every time we get it right / I’m still planning out my suicide / to help me get to sleep at night / but I am stronger than I was before no I’m not losing sleep anymore / I’m not losing sleep over straight lines anymore.